Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

😼🖥️

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus