Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

that wasn’t the question

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.